I have been watching the jury selection for Casey Anthony’s upcoming murder trial for the last three days. First, I must say it’s an experience for sure, not too unpleasant. The major problem I have with this is the people, potential jurors, who are ridiculously selfish. I’m not going to detail all of their excuses, because that is what they are, but being married for 42 years and not ever being away from your husband IS NOT a hardship. That woman really bothered me, maybe it’s because I am a strong person and just cannot understand that type of thinking. You spend 42 years “taking care” of your husband but when it comes to your civic duty to your country, you cannot “take care” of that? I withhold and keep to myself my true feelings toward her, for now. Also, the Raymond James potential juror? This just makes me acutely aware of how many people in this world who think they are “special,” more special than anyone else. I could carry on with numerous thoughts regarding this type of person, but I won’t.
I understand what type of inconvenience being away from my home for eight weeks would be. I absolutely would not want to be away from my family and friends, but I certainly would do what was asked of me if it would not financially ruin me. I certainly would not make up excuses and say that I am the only person at my place of employment that would be able to do my job. I mean, listen to these people’s excuses - “I umpire at little league,” “I own seven dogs,” “I have a sleep apnea, narcolepsy” “I need to go to church in order to pray to God” - unbelievable. I guess I am just of the thoughts that if they don’t serve, this trial will be delayed. I do NOT want this. Pick me, I’ll be on the jury - you don’t have to pay me. I’ll do it for free!
I watch Casey very closely. Has anyone ever noticed how small her hands are? I don’t know why they give me an eerie feeling, but that they do. My opinion of the shaking of her head "no" when his honor reads the indictment to each of the jury panels is an act. She does the same exact things before each time this happens. It has now happened three different times. She is an actress, not a very good one. You can actually see her psyche herself up for the tears that inevitably appear. It really makes me ill that these potential jurors will not be able to see that until after the case is over. Well, the ones who will be seated won't. Her tears really annoy me. I have seen the actual tear drops that have fallen, but they are not for Caylee. They are not for the reason that she is wrongly accused (in my opinion) of murdering her child. These tears are solely for her self. She HATES to be judged. She cannot stand the fact that they are there essentially to JUDGE her. I would swear to the fact that she is thinking “how DARE they judge ME!” She is angry, not sad. And what a "great" ploy her defense team thought up, no? I wonder what goes through her mind when she sees and hears these young, single mothers work, go to school and take care of their children. I really do. Does she think they are all liars as she is? WHAT goes through a mind such as Casey’s? I think I should have studied to be a psychologist!
I think they will find the jury they want from these people. Monday cannot get here soon enough! It saddens me to say that I am very excited for this trial to start. Being an empathetic person by nature, it goes against what I stand for and believe to be happy for others discomfort. But with this case, for Caylee - I am happy that this will be over in six or eight weeks.
JUSTICE FOR CAYLEE!!!!!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Justice for Caylee Anthony - 2011
I don't know if I hope you are keeping an ear and eye out with what is happening in the Casey Anthony capital murder case anymore. After watching the hearing today regarding "media and public entitlement" (my interpretation) I guess I hope that you aren't. I agree 100% with Honorable Belvin J. Perry, Jr's denying of the motion. I agree 100% with his up-holding his oath as a judge and the rights of the defendant. Because no matter what I may think Casey did or didn't do, if I were ever in her position (God forbid) I'd want the right to a fair trial. I'd want someone to remember the Bill of Rights and the Amendments. I'd want just ONE person to care enough about me, even if they believed I was guilty of committing the said crime, to do the right thing.
I am nervous that this trial is going to be delayed. I do not think it will be fair, not just to every single person involved in this case, but definitely to Caylee. Every person in her immediate family has forgotten about this precious little girl. Well, I can't say that - I am truly hoping that George Anthony has finally regained his sense of right and wrong, found his strength to stand up to the evil that has enveloped him for what some may say for most of his adult life and has decided to be the voice - the heart for Caylee. Not to keep his ass out of jail for the lies, concealment of information and blatant destruction of evidence, but truly for his granddaughter Caylee. Caylee needs her "Jo Jo". I pray that he'll be there for her.
Imagine all of the devastation a delay of this trial will invoke? It's already been three years! And just like his honor, Judge Belvin Perry, Jr., had said - if any of the witnesses die all of their statements are lost, memories can fade. No matter how badly I want to hear, see and know what is going on in this case - I would give that up gladly to know that Caylee will see justice in 2011. Not in another year, in 2011. All of the nonsensical orders being dropped on the desk of the judge is not helping anything. I have seen Judge Perry go from jovial to frustrated and annoyed in a matter of 30 days. I blame the media and the defense. The media because of today's time-wasting hearing. The defense? Ha, I could write about 100 pages for every reason I blame them, but I won't. I blame them, but I do understand their actions. Their job is to defend their client. So be it, but dang - be a little less dense about it in the future.
As long as I can see the actual trial, I can give up my public right to everything else. I am with you on this one your honor. Casey deserves a fair trial even if I believe that she murdered her child. No matter that I believe Cindy is a lying, self-absorbed, self-serving actress (don't believe her "mental break-down" when it happens). No matter that I believe that the only person that matters in this case has no future, who had a pretty shitty past, who is dead - Caylee.
Justice for Caylee!!!!
I am nervous that this trial is going to be delayed. I do not think it will be fair, not just to every single person involved in this case, but definitely to Caylee. Every person in her immediate family has forgotten about this precious little girl. Well, I can't say that - I am truly hoping that George Anthony has finally regained his sense of right and wrong, found his strength to stand up to the evil that has enveloped him for what some may say for most of his adult life and has decided to be the voice - the heart for Caylee. Not to keep his ass out of jail for the lies, concealment of information and blatant destruction of evidence, but truly for his granddaughter Caylee. Caylee needs her "Jo Jo". I pray that he'll be there for her.
Imagine all of the devastation a delay of this trial will invoke? It's already been three years! And just like his honor, Judge Belvin Perry, Jr., had said - if any of the witnesses die all of their statements are lost, memories can fade. No matter how badly I want to hear, see and know what is going on in this case - I would give that up gladly to know that Caylee will see justice in 2011. Not in another year, in 2011. All of the nonsensical orders being dropped on the desk of the judge is not helping anything. I have seen Judge Perry go from jovial to frustrated and annoyed in a matter of 30 days. I blame the media and the defense. The media because of today's time-wasting hearing. The defense? Ha, I could write about 100 pages for every reason I blame them, but I won't. I blame them, but I do understand their actions. Their job is to defend their client. So be it, but dang - be a little less dense about it in the future.
As long as I can see the actual trial, I can give up my public right to everything else. I am with you on this one your honor. Casey deserves a fair trial even if I believe that she murdered her child. No matter that I believe Cindy is a lying, self-absorbed, self-serving actress (don't believe her "mental break-down" when it happens). No matter that I believe that the only person that matters in this case has no future, who had a pretty shitty past, who is dead - Caylee.
Justice for Caylee!!!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Caylee Marie Anthony - Is Justice aComin'???
I have been playing catch-up on the Caylee Marie Anthony murder case for the past two weeks. It's a lot to take in and it's infuriating to say the very least. I have never in my life seen such lies and deciet in one single case before this. If you aren't watching and listening to what is happening, you sure are missing a great injustice to a child. Not even from her so-called family, but by the defense of her "mother" (and I use that term loosely!).
I thought that Honorable Judge Perry was going to be an outstandingly ethical judge in this case. What I saw this morning (and am still seeing) has made me question him. Honorable Judge Perry has warned Jose Baez (really, is he REALLY a lawyer?????) time and again regarding the rules and practices of trial. You can clearly see he is fed up with JB's actions, BUT he allows Baez to CONTINUE with MORE warnings. If the Honorable Judge Perry goes against his own rulings in the past year, I will be tremendously nervous for the actual trial and outcome. Honorable Judge Perry, you see the ineptness of the defense. You SEE the lies from the defendent AND her family - PLEASE DO NOT FORGET ABOUT CAYLEE MARIE ANTHONY!!! I beg you, I beg you.
I have so many things to say about Baez, that will have to be another post. There are just too many things wrong with this guy, which I am sure you are all aware of by now. I will say that his constant whining and tempertantrums are getting on my very last nerve. AND that I cannot believe the audacity of which he tries to get evidence into play. Oh my gosh it pisses me right the fuck off. Sorry people, but I've told you I cannot stand liars and he is ONE BIG FUCKING LIAR!!!!
There is one place on the Internet that I love to read about this case: http://www.thehinkymeter.com/ I don't follow the comments, except when I cannot watch a hearing, but the owner's articles are amusing and so incredibly well written that I find myself there first thing in the mornings and last at night. They all seem to be a great bunch of people there. I highly reccommend Hinky Meter if you wish to follow this case.
Caylee Marie Anthony will have her justice - praying - whether the courts deliver it for her or when the public hands it to her. Her "mother" will not get away with murdering this precious child.
I thought that Honorable Judge Perry was going to be an outstandingly ethical judge in this case. What I saw this morning (and am still seeing) has made me question him. Honorable Judge Perry has warned Jose Baez (really, is he REALLY a lawyer?????) time and again regarding the rules and practices of trial. You can clearly see he is fed up with JB's actions, BUT he allows Baez to CONTINUE with MORE warnings. If the Honorable Judge Perry goes against his own rulings in the past year, I will be tremendously nervous for the actual trial and outcome. Honorable Judge Perry, you see the ineptness of the defense. You SEE the lies from the defendent AND her family - PLEASE DO NOT FORGET ABOUT CAYLEE MARIE ANTHONY!!! I beg you, I beg you.
I have so many things to say about Baez, that will have to be another post. There are just too many things wrong with this guy, which I am sure you are all aware of by now. I will say that his constant whining and tempertantrums are getting on my very last nerve. AND that I cannot believe the audacity of which he tries to get evidence into play. Oh my gosh it pisses me right the fuck off. Sorry people, but I've told you I cannot stand liars and he is ONE BIG FUCKING LIAR!!!!
There is one place on the Internet that I love to read about this case: http://www.thehinkymeter.com/ I don't follow the comments, except when I cannot watch a hearing, but the owner's articles are amusing and so incredibly well written that I find myself there first thing in the mornings and last at night. They all seem to be a great bunch of people there. I highly reccommend Hinky Meter if you wish to follow this case.
Caylee Marie Anthony will have her justice - praying - whether the courts deliver it for her or when the public hands it to her. Her "mother" will not get away with murdering this precious child.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Society Has Failed Another Abused Child - RIP Bill Zeller
I am posting Bill Zeller's 4,000 word suicide letter in the hopes that we as a society can finally understand what happens to a child when they are sexually and physically abused and then grow up to be adults. In my mind, this man never truly grew into adulthood. The "darkness" that plagued him swallowed him whole at the very moment the monster raped him.
I wish I could have known Mr. Zeller. I wish he would have reached out to just one person. I wish so many things. Most importantly, I wish that pedophiles who believe that raping children is considered "love" will stop and think about Bill's words before they destroy another precious soul.
If anyone of you that have read this suicide letter and feels this way, please don't give up. Find help, there are so many different ways to receive help. Don't let the rapists, molesters and pedophiles win. There are many people who care and love you.
I have no idea of what happens to us when we die, by natural causes or by our own hand, but I truly hope Bill has finally found peace and love in death where he could not seem to find in life. God, wrap your arms around Bill and let him feel love.
And Bill, I forgive you - I don't forgive society.
"http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/07/bill-zeller-dead-princeto_n_805689.html
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.
My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.
This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.
At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.
The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.
Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.
I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.
Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.
Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness will always be with me.
I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.
I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected.
Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.
Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.
Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.
Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so fucked up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.
So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have.
This wasn't apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one more person in a long list of people I've hurt.
I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.
I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.
I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.
I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of.
So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.
I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.
I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.
There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.
You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.
People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.
Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore.
I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.
I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.
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I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead--one with less hatred and intolerance.
If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.
They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, "saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.
A random example:
"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.
If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point), that's your choice, but it's fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.
Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.
I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it's tiring.
Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.
I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.
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To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.
I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.
Bill Zeller
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Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.
Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety."
I wish I could have known Mr. Zeller. I wish he would have reached out to just one person. I wish so many things. Most importantly, I wish that pedophiles who believe that raping children is considered "love" will stop and think about Bill's words before they destroy another precious soul.
If anyone of you that have read this suicide letter and feels this way, please don't give up. Find help, there are so many different ways to receive help. Don't let the rapists, molesters and pedophiles win. There are many people who care and love you.
I have no idea of what happens to us when we die, by natural causes or by our own hand, but I truly hope Bill has finally found peace and love in death where he could not seem to find in life. God, wrap your arms around Bill and let him feel love.
And Bill, I forgive you - I don't forgive society.
"http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/07/bill-zeller-dead-princeto_n_805689.html
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.
My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.
This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.
At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.
The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.
Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.
I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.
Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.
Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness will always be with me.
I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.
I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected.
Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.
Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.
Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.
Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so fucked up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.
So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have.
This wasn't apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one more person in a long list of people I've hurt.
I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.
I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.
I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.
I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of.
So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.
I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.
I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.
There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.
You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.
People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.
Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore.
I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.
I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.
---
I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead--one with less hatred and intolerance.
If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.
They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, "saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.
A random example:
"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.
If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point), that's your choice, but it's fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.
Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.
I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it's tiring.
Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.
I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.
---
To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.
I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.
Bill Zeller
---
Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.
Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety."
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Truth Will Always Prevail
"Desiray Bartak May 14 at 1:31am Report
Hi, I saw a post you wrote to Wayanne about her lying about things...I am her daughter Desiray I have not spoken to Wayanne in almost 1 year because of all her lies, she even pretended to be me by opening a myspace account saying all sorts of bad things to people that she was working with, so she was telling them her opinions claiming to be me and so much more. Please her mysace life was ruined because I went public with many emails from Wayanne full of lies and everyone finally caught on, you have got to warn people about her. She is not an advocate, only claims to be because of me and my case against my godfather, she steels everyones credit, she has NO phd, no journalist degree like she claims. This woman is sick and needs help you must warn people about her, stay away from her lies, if you listen to them then listen closely because her story will change so fast because she can not keep it up. Feel free to contact me, but pls be careful mentioning me to people. You have no idea what hell Wayanne has caused on my life and the past few months have been silent, I would like it to stay that way. She constantly threatens me about my child hood and even as an adult says she is trying to sue me for defamation of character when it is her who has commited this and I have all the emails from her to prove it.
I am sorry for the long email, She gets me going. I just saw what you wrote about her and it is so true, please warn people about her lies and how she is none of these things. All she wants is attention and she will do or say what ever it takes to get it, she does not care if the attention is bad either, attention is attention to her and all she wants is to be famous, she said last year that she she wanted to be put on a gag order for that Kaylee case so she can become a house hold name...Sick...
Thank you,
Desiray
Desiray again
Between You and Desiray Bartak
Desiray Bartak May 14 at 2:01am Report
Hey I have all these emails filled with lies, I have a video of me logging in to her myspace (she left her password out, back when I stayed with her last year) this video where I logged in to her site showed all her emails and the lies uopn lies she was telling people. This woman has made my life a living hell, I would love to join a case. I contacted the police out here for a restraining order against Wayanne but since she is my mother and we lived with each other last year they consider it domestic and wont help me unless I have others who have been victimized by her. You have no idea what she has done to her own children. She has 2 of us girls and 1 step daughter and 1 step son, none of us talk to her but my 1 sister because my 1 sister is too scared of her, she has seen what Wayanne has done to me since confronting her in her lies and my sister said she does not want her life to be ruined. Otherwise she has LOST everyone, her husband even lost all of his kids, sisters, brother and he doesnt even see his own mother because they all know who Wayanne really is and her husband Markus lies for her, infact Wayanne will pretend to be Markus in emails and texts too, Markus knows that she does this and he does not care along with the fact that he does not even ever know what she says he is writting (does that make since) Wayanne pretends to be alot of people... She is sick, truly head sick...Please contact me I will share the emails I have with you if you would like. I need this woman to be punished for all she has done, she hurts people all the time and it never stops. The last woman she was stalking BB-11 on myspace was put through hell because of Wayanne and her lies....
Oh Wayanne did not even finish Junior high school. SHe dropped out of school, got pregnant with me and finally got her GED when I was 16, she was 32. She takes classes online claiming to be real degrees but I have seen the completion of certificates, you can not get a PHD or law degree with no real college education. She was never an RN, she did however go to medical school when I was 10, she became a medical assistant, and worked in the back office with a dermatologist for many years, but that is the extnet of her education. When I had my public case in the media back from 1992-1999 she would follow me to all the shows and interviews I did because I was a minor, She was involved in my organization we had but I did all the work, the talking, the show was not about her it was about what I was trying to accomplish with my attourney Gloria Allred. Do you know of Gloria Allred? I informed Gloria Allred last year about all the lies and hurt Wayanne was causing, Isent every email and video I had of the proof of Wayanne committing Slander on me as well as a resume Waynne claimed was her own saying she had worked for Gloria Allred on many other cases besides mine (Gloria was apouled) I have this email from her as well. Unfortanantely Gloria would not give me any legal advice like I asked, she said its not in her jurisdiction and since my mom was involved in my case she mentioned conflict of interest, but she does know who Wayanne really is too..
Desiray Bartak May 14 at 2:10am Report
She makes me sick
I am sorry for the long emails, It scares me when I learn of a whole new group of people Wayanne is trying to manipulate so she can pretend to be famous and look like a good person who is all these things she pretends to be. She ends up slandering people so hard, stalking people so badley and then she turns it all around and will tell everyone that you were the ones doing all of that to her, All of a sudden she is the victim..She does this to everyone, she is seriously sick and a mental hospital will not take her until she physically harms someone, which really is scary that someone this sick who messes up peoples lives and reputations can run around doing this and not get prosecuted for it, she needs to be charged, I case needs to be brought up you guys.
Argghh, DO you feel my frustration? She was on myspace for a long time and she has lost her reputation on it because she got caught in lies and then I came forward with a site proving her lies, showing all her emails. She kind of vanished and I knew she had to be up to something but her facebook account was blocked for a long time. Today I checked it because my sister said she thought Wayanne was up to her ways again, this is when I found what you wrote, I do not think she knows it is on there other wise she would have removed this (i promise) and you would have gotten more then an earful back and it would have been from her but her pretending to be the FBI, she is famous for saying she has resources there.. ok I will let you go, I do not know who this Connie woman is but pass this on to her, if she wants to talk to me I will tell her everything I possibly can to help. She needs to be shut down.."
Take a look at this youtube video Desiray made about Wayanne:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1z7A-58nQDQ
Let's see how they twist this......
Troy
Hi, I saw a post you wrote to Wayanne about her lying about things...I am her daughter Desiray I have not spoken to Wayanne in almost 1 year because of all her lies, she even pretended to be me by opening a myspace account saying all sorts of bad things to people that she was working with, so she was telling them her opinions claiming to be me and so much more. Please her mysace life was ruined because I went public with many emails from Wayanne full of lies and everyone finally caught on, you have got to warn people about her. She is not an advocate, only claims to be because of me and my case against my godfather, she steels everyones credit, she has NO phd, no journalist degree like she claims. This woman is sick and needs help you must warn people about her, stay away from her lies, if you listen to them then listen closely because her story will change so fast because she can not keep it up. Feel free to contact me, but pls be careful mentioning me to people. You have no idea what hell Wayanne has caused on my life and the past few months have been silent, I would like it to stay that way. She constantly threatens me about my child hood and even as an adult says she is trying to sue me for defamation of character when it is her who has commited this and I have all the emails from her to prove it.
I am sorry for the long email, She gets me going. I just saw what you wrote about her and it is so true, please warn people about her lies and how she is none of these things. All she wants is attention and she will do or say what ever it takes to get it, she does not care if the attention is bad either, attention is attention to her and all she wants is to be famous, she said last year that she she wanted to be put on a gag order for that Kaylee case so she can become a house hold name...Sick...
Thank you,
Desiray
Desiray again
Between You and Desiray Bartak
Desiray Bartak May 14 at 2:01am Report
Hey I have all these emails filled with lies, I have a video of me logging in to her myspace (she left her password out, back when I stayed with her last year) this video where I logged in to her site showed all her emails and the lies uopn lies she was telling people. This woman has made my life a living hell, I would love to join a case. I contacted the police out here for a restraining order against Wayanne but since she is my mother and we lived with each other last year they consider it domestic and wont help me unless I have others who have been victimized by her. You have no idea what she has done to her own children. She has 2 of us girls and 1 step daughter and 1 step son, none of us talk to her but my 1 sister because my 1 sister is too scared of her, she has seen what Wayanne has done to me since confronting her in her lies and my sister said she does not want her life to be ruined. Otherwise she has LOST everyone, her husband even lost all of his kids, sisters, brother and he doesnt even see his own mother because they all know who Wayanne really is and her husband Markus lies for her, infact Wayanne will pretend to be Markus in emails and texts too, Markus knows that she does this and he does not care along with the fact that he does not even ever know what she says he is writting (does that make since) Wayanne pretends to be alot of people... She is sick, truly head sick...Please contact me I will share the emails I have with you if you would like. I need this woman to be punished for all she has done, she hurts people all the time and it never stops. The last woman she was stalking BB-11 on myspace was put through hell because of Wayanne and her lies....
Oh Wayanne did not even finish Junior high school. SHe dropped out of school, got pregnant with me and finally got her GED when I was 16, she was 32. She takes classes online claiming to be real degrees but I have seen the completion of certificates, you can not get a PHD or law degree with no real college education. She was never an RN, she did however go to medical school when I was 10, she became a medical assistant, and worked in the back office with a dermatologist for many years, but that is the extnet of her education. When I had my public case in the media back from 1992-1999 she would follow me to all the shows and interviews I did because I was a minor, She was involved in my organization we had but I did all the work, the talking, the show was not about her it was about what I was trying to accomplish with my attourney Gloria Allred. Do you know of Gloria Allred? I informed Gloria Allred last year about all the lies and hurt Wayanne was causing, Isent every email and video I had of the proof of Wayanne committing Slander on me as well as a resume Waynne claimed was her own saying she had worked for Gloria Allred on many other cases besides mine (Gloria was apouled) I have this email from her as well. Unfortanantely Gloria would not give me any legal advice like I asked, she said its not in her jurisdiction and since my mom was involved in my case she mentioned conflict of interest, but she does know who Wayanne really is too..
Desiray Bartak May 14 at 2:10am Report
She makes me sick
I am sorry for the long emails, It scares me when I learn of a whole new group of people Wayanne is trying to manipulate so she can pretend to be famous and look like a good person who is all these things she pretends to be. She ends up slandering people so hard, stalking people so badley and then she turns it all around and will tell everyone that you were the ones doing all of that to her, All of a sudden she is the victim..She does this to everyone, she is seriously sick and a mental hospital will not take her until she physically harms someone, which really is scary that someone this sick who messes up peoples lives and reputations can run around doing this and not get prosecuted for it, she needs to be charged, I case needs to be brought up you guys.
Argghh, DO you feel my frustration? She was on myspace for a long time and she has lost her reputation on it because she got caught in lies and then I came forward with a site proving her lies, showing all her emails. She kind of vanished and I knew she had to be up to something but her facebook account was blocked for a long time. Today I checked it because my sister said she thought Wayanne was up to her ways again, this is when I found what you wrote, I do not think she knows it is on there other wise she would have removed this (i promise) and you would have gotten more then an earful back and it would have been from her but her pretending to be the FBI, she is famous for saying she has resources there.. ok I will let you go, I do not know who this Connie woman is but pass this on to her, if she wants to talk to me I will tell her everything I possibly can to help. She needs to be shut down.."
Take a look at this youtube video Desiray made about Wayanne:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1z7A-58nQDQ
Let's see how they twist this......
Troy
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Lisa D. Haddad-North - Enabling and Marrying A CONVICTED Child Rapist - Michael Aaron North
http://innocentchildrenfoundation.wordpress.com/2011/06/17/here-it-is/
Hello everyone. There have been numerous complaints against the article pertaining to Michael Aaron North because of the picture of Lisa D. Haddad-North. I have taken the picture of Lisa D. Haddad North off the blog because I do not wish to cause any trouble for Blogger. In the complaint letter the Blogger representative states that "REGARDLESS OF MERIT" they have to have the picture taken down. So, Lisa D. Haddad North, your picture is down, for now. Once we have one that is not copyrighted (which I sincerely doubt the one that was up is, since there isn't a water-mark stating so) you face will then again be associated with a CONVICTED CHILD RAPIST.
Also, you may or may not be aware that Michael Aaron North's parole officer stated plainly and crystal clear that these two people are NOT allowed to be viewing the blogs regarding him. They are not to be viewing Facebook pages, MySpace and ANY other social networking sites. Just so we can make this even more clear, here is an excerpt from the email:
"-------- Original Message --------
Subject: RE: [FWD: RE:]
From: "XXX XXX, XXX X. (DOC)"
Date: Mon, August 23, 2010 10:37 am
To:
It appears CCO XXXXXXXXX and the Supervisor directed Mr. North to stop all viewing of internet blogs, Facebook, Social Networking site etc. Mr. North was advised that he is responsible if his fiancé accesses these sites as well.
I will speak to Mr. North regarding his payments to see if there is a possibility of some relief there.
Please let me know if there is anything else you have concerns about. I’ll do my best to communicate as much information as I am allowed.
XXX XXX
Community Corrections Officer III
WA State Department of Corrections
Bellevue Field Office / Redmond Police Outstation
23 148th Ave SE Bellevue, WA 98007
XXX XXX XXXX Office
XXX XXX XXXX Fax"
There was more to the email, but I feel that it is of a personal matter that the public does not need to be made aware - unless Amanda wants you all to know. I can say this convicted child rapist - Michael Aaron North - is way behind on paying back his restitution. I can only hope that Amanda will file contempt charges on this convicted child rapist - Michael Aaron North and that she also takes this new complaint to the parole officer. I have been given permission to speak with Michael Aaron North's parole officer since there is only one person who could have made the complaint - LISA D. HADDAD North- fiancee of a convicted child rapist.
Thank you for reading.
Troy
Hello everyone. There have been numerous complaints against the article pertaining to Michael Aaron North because of the picture of Lisa D. Haddad-North. I have taken the picture of Lisa D. Haddad North off the blog because I do not wish to cause any trouble for Blogger. In the complaint letter the Blogger representative states that "REGARDLESS OF MERIT" they have to have the picture taken down. So, Lisa D. Haddad North, your picture is down, for now. Once we have one that is not copyrighted (which I sincerely doubt the one that was up is, since there isn't a water-mark stating so) you face will then again be associated with a CONVICTED CHILD RAPIST.
Also, you may or may not be aware that Michael Aaron North's parole officer stated plainly and crystal clear that these two people are NOT allowed to be viewing the blogs regarding him. They are not to be viewing Facebook pages, MySpace and ANY other social networking sites. Just so we can make this even more clear, here is an excerpt from the email:
"-------- Original Message --------
Subject: RE: [FWD: RE:]
From: "XXX XXX, XXX X. (DOC)"
Date: Mon, August 23, 2010 10:37 am
To:
It appears CCO XXXXXXXXX and the Supervisor directed Mr. North to stop all viewing of internet blogs, Facebook, Social Networking site etc. Mr. North was advised that he is responsible if his fiancé accesses these sites as well.
I will speak to Mr. North regarding his payments to see if there is a possibility of some relief there.
Please let me know if there is anything else you have concerns about. I’ll do my best to communicate as much information as I am allowed.
XXX XXX
Community Corrections Officer III
WA State Department of Corrections
Bellevue Field Office / Redmond Police Outstation
23 148th Ave SE Bellevue, WA 98007
XXX XXX XXXX Office
XXX XXX XXXX Fax"
There was more to the email, but I feel that it is of a personal matter that the public does not need to be made aware - unless Amanda wants you all to know. I can say this convicted child rapist - Michael Aaron North - is way behind on paying back his restitution. I can only hope that Amanda will file contempt charges on this convicted child rapist - Michael Aaron North and that she also takes this new complaint to the parole officer. I have been given permission to speak with Michael Aaron North's parole officer since there is only one person who could have made the complaint - LISA D. HADDAD North- fiancee of a convicted child rapist.
Thank you for reading.
Troy
Friday, August 27, 2010
Children Who Needed OUR Help
There is no way that in my lifetime I could ever produce these wonderfully heart-felt videos as ShonyaKay has. Nor could I ever write with words to convey the tragedies that were these children's lives as Shonya has through her videos. Ms. Shonya has a gift and to continue to try and explain them would be an injustice to her work.
Please veiw ShonyaKay's YouTube Channel at the link below. All of these children had someone who loved them and tried to stop their abuse. I have read up on all of these children and it's sad to say that neighbors had either seen or heard the abuse and turned a blind eye or a deaf ear to it thinking it was none of their business. It is up to us all to save a child. Police have stated numerous times that they would rather investigate a report of a child where abuse was mistaken than to come upon a scene such as Dominique Calhoun's.
Everyday I awake to another story of a child being brutally beaten or neglected by the very people who are supposed to take care of them. Not just parents, but authorities in CPS/DHS and in the family court system. I would like just one day for it to stop. Just.Stop. It's getting to be too much.
Here is her link: http://www.youtube.com/user/shonyakay
Thank you, Shonya. Thank you to all who read and then watch.
Troy
Please veiw ShonyaKay's YouTube Channel at the link below. All of these children had someone who loved them and tried to stop their abuse. I have read up on all of these children and it's sad to say that neighbors had either seen or heard the abuse and turned a blind eye or a deaf ear to it thinking it was none of their business. It is up to us all to save a child. Police have stated numerous times that they would rather investigate a report of a child where abuse was mistaken than to come upon a scene such as Dominique Calhoun's.
Everyday I awake to another story of a child being brutally beaten or neglected by the very people who are supposed to take care of them. Not just parents, but authorities in CPS/DHS and in the family court system. I would like just one day for it to stop. Just.Stop. It's getting to be too much.
Here is her link: http://www.youtube.com/user/shonyakay
Thank you, Shonya. Thank you to all who read and then watch.
Troy
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